okay.... i always revert to titles that are bunpoutekini salah when i am upset...
raya tahun ni...i should be happy...first raya as a wife lah kan... i was happy...up to the point when glance at the raya photos that show up on facebook and friendster and flicker and blah blah blah...
then i just get depressed....
it doesn't matter how good i feel when i leave the the house before the event ...bila tgk gambar i'm so like....whaaaatttt...FAAAAATTTTT...
that's what screams through my head...
n then there was the time kat rumah kak zeti in toyohashi...her mother came to visit from malaysia..and we arrived at the open house a bit early...so the ones that were there were all the families...budak bujang tak sampai lagi...so naturally the conversation lead to children...and the mother was asking the other wives anak brapa and they talked about their children and pregnancies and then she turned to me ..what bout you...anak brapa?.....hah? i look like someone's mum already ke? i turned to her and said uhmm...saya baru je kahwin..and another wife noted my still 'inai'ed fingers....that was blow number one
yesterday kat jamuan raya fukui...hana-chan was crying...as usual...she doesn't like crowds plus she was sleepy...and i happened to lalu in front of the father at that time...pas tu one of the guys said...takut tak syaz?
what is there to be scared about....a crying kid? (well maybe if i was the one who made her cry, intentionally. kalau cm tu takut la kot)...blow number 2
n then later that night...dearest hubby called his mum up to thank her for the raya parcel...and she asked him 'syazwani tak lekat lagi ker?'.....owhhhhh....blow number 3...bam bam booom
i wasn't prepared for that.. i mean we've only been married for 1 month and 4 weeks...i know that's ample time...but we don't live together.. talk about pressure....pressure...
tak tahu mcm mana nak explain the feeling...i thought we should just let nature run it's course..you know...actually trying for it to happen...because people expect it of you...well that just feels like ...well sitting for an exam.... pressure ...pressure....i didin't know they expected me to be 'carrying' already.... now it just feels like pressure..
and the yesteday...while 'skype'ing with A...i really didn't like how i looked..and i started picking up the dumbells....urgh...depression plus pressure..not a good mix
me no likey how me look
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